Do you ever think about me? Do you ever wonder what I’m doing, how I’m doing? Do you even care? Do you ever come across something during the day that reminds you of me? Does passing familiar places make you think about us? Do you ever think about us? Do you ever just want to pick up the phone and talk to me? Do you ever just want to text me? Does it bother you that we don’t talk anymore? Does it bother you that I’m not in your life? Do you even care?
I want to be like you. I want to not even think about any of those things. I want to sleep though an entire night. I want to stop waking up having mild anxiety/panic attacks. I want to stop waking up feeling like my heart just can’t beat properly. I want to go a week without crying. I want to not care about us anymore because I know that us will never happen again. I want to stop feeling like I’m not enough for anyone. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop being sad and angry and hurt, bitter, torn, broken, defeated, and let down.
Do you know what that feels like?
First of all, what do you think of my posts is just ‘what you think’ or maybe an assumption (well this doesn’t mean to stop you from not doing so heheh). But the picture is precise. This is like a new wardrobe for me to look up every day ^^
I don’t share EVERYthing to EVERYone as I am secretive (sort of) & I tend to keep my life privately (only to those who really DEAR to me knew it). I’ve never wanted to get an attention from EVERYone in this world as I always stand ‘the closest shall has the speciality’. Meaning to say, if you want to know me better, be close to me or else you’ll only see what i chose to show/post & whatnot.
I’ve been keeping it to myself that one day I’ll have a blog. Blogging is not just to open up myself to EVERYone, again, here is just to share about what’s going on & the important things that I want to deliver. Though I’m blogging, the private part of my life will always remain as my privacy. Know the limits when you share something because the whole world is watching & DON’T forget to RESPECT too *cheers.
It’s only been a few month, but it feels like forever. Maybe because we really ended earlier than our ‘official break up’. Still, it’s hard to remember anything about you now. I don’t know what your voice sounds like anymore. I can barely remember your face or scent. Your smile is faded in my mind and your louder than life laugh is muted. I can’t place any feelings with what memories I can still recall between us. It’s almost as if I can’t really remember our relationship. You would think that after years I’d still be able to remember something… but I can’t.
Most people think that it’s hard for me to open up and commit because I was so hurt about our breakup, but that’s only partially true. I hurt you. I made my choice and left you before you decided we couldn’t be saved and that’s why ‘getting back in the game’ is so hard for me. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want the power to hurt someone, who loved me so much, so badly that they could hate me. Like you do.
So today, seeing a part of you, I am beginning to understand that I am healing. I was scared that I had lost my chance at love, that you were supposed to be the one for me. By not choosing you and getting broken up with, I would be destined to end up with no one. I know now that isn’t true. I have learned that in order to love another so deeply, you truly have to love yourself first, so that’s what I’ve been working on without even knowing it. I know now that our love was real, but only temporary. You are growing into the person that you were meant to be and I am doing the same, but we were never meant to grow together. I get that now and I am ok because I’m starting to really like me.
“…Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future…” I can finally say now that this chapter, your chapter — my longest, most innocent, and first, is closed. I can finally forgive myself and go on.
Make friends is one thing. Be nice to everyone is another thing. But choosing who you want to be close with is extremely important. How much time do you really spend thinking about those people you meet/ interact with throughout your life??
To me personally, friendships/ relationships are hard to deal with until you’ve learned from previous interactions/ experiences. Unlike during childhood. As I grow up, I think for some reasons it’s okay to be choosy to whom we decide as close ones as they can make a huge difference in the decisions we make and who we become. I get it when mum said “choose your friends wisely… don’t get too attached with someone.. get to know them first..”. Truee, don’t just simply select and later those people toppled you down. Sometimes you’ll never really know people might have agendas behind your back. Always love yourself enough to walk away from people who don’t benefit you positively.
You can always be friends with everyone, be nice, but there should only be certain people who you would share everything with/ be close with. Surround yourself with the ones who is very supportive, positive, who brings you closer to Allah & have a beautiful heart, attitude and mind. Remember that people you associate with have a major impact and influence on your personal success and mental health. I need not want to suffer, or I might say I’ve suffered a lot. SO be choosy in letting someone be part of your life and don’t forget to be good ones too.
There will always be difficult people. There will always be people that throw negative vibes onto you and you’ll have to deal with it. There will always be criticism, everywhere. There will always be people who find faults in it. It doesn’t matter how you choose to live your life, whatever you do, someone will judge you for it. I’ve noticed that not everyone is going to like you. In fact, some people will positively hate you and go out of their way to sabotage your life.
What did I do?
To be honest, sometimes I feel tired & stress over all these. But I always bear in mind ‘it will be your problem if you let it be.. don’t waste your energy on them..’ I’ve been dealing with quite number of people/situations where it made me sick of it and sometimes I wondered why.. I tried to find reasons while my minds play tricks on me. It’s inevitable. I tried not to focus on it, but I’m concerned. I got confused most of the time, whether to trust or distance myself from the unhealthy stereotypes. Maybe things will change in the future. Maybe they won’t.
I distanced myself. At least I won’t be trapped with the dramas. I learned that strength & patience are needed when you’re in the toughest situations. Unhealthy feelings inside seeing those people are against you for no reasons. Just have courage to move on politely & remain calm (though sometimes it doesn’t work that way). Postivity keeps me going (for some people, I’m too positive. For some people, I’m not positive enough). I remained silence & of course it hurts most of the time. But this is reality world.
“No calamity occurs, but by the permission of Allah, and whosover believes in Allah, He guides his heart. And Allah is the All-Knower of everything. [64:11]
It’s either you run or embrace it. I pray that Allah give us peace & happiness through our lives so we wouldn’t have time for causing trouble to anyone’s life.