Yesterday…

I’ve lied in bed, prepping myself to sleep (read: constant toss and turns in bed), from 12am. Listening to different sorts of podcasts designed specifically to help people sleep. Even tried listening to music. I thot I slept. But in between that so-called sleep I realize myself tossing and turning on bed. I tried to sleep again and when I thot I slept again, my eyes opened, and they opened wide.

My body says “I’m tired”

but my mind says “I’m not necessarily am”

They just won’t let me sleep.

At times like this, 

I finally realize that I REALLY shouldn’t be putting my happiness on people. People will say all the most comforting things like how the will literally be there through everything and how you can find them whenever you want but really, when the time isnt right, the setting isn’t right, and when something just happens, you truly only have yourself. You can’t and never should depend on anyone. Well I’ve been living all my life being overly dependent on people so that’s kinda my default there, that’s all ai know. I know I’ll be struggling to make a change here, but I’ll keep this post to keep reminding myself that I need to change this self destructive mindset of mine or I’ll never be happy. After all, that’s all I wanted, to be content and be at peace with myself. I think we all do.

There’s nothing wrong with you, no that’s not the issue, you’re completely fine. It’s just sometimes, you just have to stop depending on people when you have problems or when you just want to be whiny because you cannot and I repeat, cannot expect them to ALWAYS BE THERE, its tbh not possible. Yes, I would leave everything and anything if I could, especially if it involves my loved ones, I know very well they would do the same if they could too, but I MUST NEVER expect anything. It’ll just mess me up and that’s on me, because why you think the quote “no expectations, no disappointment” exist? Because it’s true.

It can be your bestest friend, it can the love of your life, you still can never truly fully depend on them, even if you’re constantly reassured by them, you just can’t. Its just when they can’t be there when you want them to, you’ll be completely shattered, cause you know you would literally do anything for them. Well, thats a problem that I need to fix. They have priorities and I can’t expect they would prioritise me, I can never, cause sometimes its not that you’re not important, its just sometimes, you’re not the top priority at that time and that’s just it.

The main problem here is I expect too much sometimes. That’s really one of my worst toxic trait. I must never expect things and I must keep on reminding myself this. It’s important for me to understand while I still can, because oh boy my mind is truly something, its loves sabotaging itself. Overthinker problems am I right? I just get really upset and the worst part is sometimes, I can’t see how that’s my fault and that’s really f up if you ask me, who do I think I am? Whenever I look back to when I’m feeling entitled to instant reassurance and comfort, I can be really disgusted with myself. Like who the hell do I really think I am, where do I really think I stand in someone’s life? I am not looking for pity in that sentence. I truly mean it, every bit of it. I need to always remind myself where I stand and understand that, people have priorities, and its not always going to be you and its not always going to be about you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, its just sometimes its really impossible and its fine. Its really fine and I need to remind myself this, always.

I just really need to be okay on my own. I need my mental to be strong. I owe that to my future self, she needs it, I owe her that much. In the end, all we have is ourselves anyway. I need to manifest this, so from now on, I’ll always remind myself this: I am a strong independent woman, I really am and I must be because in the end, I’ll only have myself and myself only.

Till then,

Lisaxoxo

It’s 2021 and I can’t believe I haven’t written anything for a year! So many things happened, most are good, some are hard lessons, but all in all, I am very grateful for everything! So, here I am probably tried to update new post about “New People” as we know every single day in any places we will meet new people but did you know every day I think not just me but everyone would doubt themselves by saying “I’ve been meeting so many new people lately, it’s great to make so many new friends. I was told stripping down was a great way to get closer, but I’m still a little nervous…” Maybe it just my two cents about this topic but this is what I’ve been think about for this while.

Meeting new people is super fun. The vibe is fresh, the jokes are different and sometimes even their insights on a particular thing vary. Having the opportunity to meet people who “match your wavelength” is indeed a blessing. Sometimes it made you wonder, how did you decided to act the attitude you’d usually do after months of knowing a person, to a person you just knew several days ago? And some reasons, I believe it has always been the feeling of comfort that has been driving your mechanisms and I guess to be able to be comfortable around the people you just met yesterdays sounds lit.

But… What if you got too excited? In a way that it disturbs the new person, made them think why are you acting like that to them despite knowing them briefly? The real deal here is that why are you so absorbed with the comfort you are feeling with them and start to neglect their feelings of being uncomfortable around you along the way?

As in my world, I think my nature has always been to shut down new people I met if I were to feel like I wen “overboard”. Being overboard here means I got waaaaaaaaay too comfortable, I cracked way too much of my stupid jokes, I am showing the “true me” waaaaaaaaay too much that it scares them and stuffs like that. Being able to feel all of that uncertainties, all of that insecurities, in one go, hurts like a bitch.

I am delighted to let new people into my small circle, I am blessed to be knowing that I could be comfortable around them, but sometimes, my emotions took over me. Having to have a voice at the back of my head saying “Stop it. You’re scaring them off” “Why are acting like this?” “Are you sure you are not being an annoyance?” Then all these thoughts will only merge into one final sentence, “Go away” And it is either dedicated to the other party or to me.

It’s either I cut people off, or they’ll do it first.

As someone who believes in that, I’ll carry my own legs to take 2 or 1000 steps back, away from everything. Just to be safe. I will never sure about the verdict of the actions I took, but at least I’ll be ready whenever someone wants to throw me off, cause by then, I’ll be long gone.

What led me to all of these thoughts? To all these uncertainties? To be feeling overwhelmed every time someone questions the way I act around them? I have absolutely no idea. But it pains me how I will start to puts words into their mouths, do things that are totally abnormal for me, put myself aside and just wanting to disappear. But might be pestering them with my existence that had led me to being distant. And as a person who gives a whole a lot of a damn on how people view her as a person, I struggle with all of these “events” every time I meet new people in my life.

So what should I do? What should you do? What are the solution?

Well just ask. Ask them. Get the amount of assurance needed to fill the void. The only answers to uncertainties are by asking for the answers, not assuming it, not thinking about it, not estimating it. Get the real information. And that is if you have the balls to do so, because I know it is easier said than done. But just try. Do yourself a favor. For a person who actually wallows in self-guilt just because they feel like they are being a burden to the people around them, is very selfless. Be a tad bit selfish. Do yourself a favor, ask.

“Give them the chance to get into your life” uttered my friend.

Why don’t you feel like you should give the other person the chance to actually know you better? While you are contemplating of cutting them off, being scared that you can’t stay with them, do you know that the person is actually trying to take everything in and accepting you as the very very new friend?

Let the friends have their own time to engulf your existence in theirs, just as much as you did to let them invade those sturdy ass walls you put up around you. I mean, what’s the pain in giving someone else the chances they deserve you know? Don’t let their efforts go to waste. As much as you are trying, they are trying too.

For all you need to know, maybe the friend actually loves having you as their friend. And you don’t want to miss on that kind of precious bond do you?

Till then,

Lisaxoxo