Assalamualaikum guys, it’s me again!

First of all, I have a confession to make. 

….

I was not in a good state for a very long time (It started since January or February 2019) and honestly, I’m not proud of it. I can’t tell the reason why, but these past few months, it was tough for me. I’m not saying that everything is okay right now, I’m still figuring everything out but it is not as hard as it used to be. 

I choose to write and tell you about it because in the future I’m sure I will reread it and I think this post is the living proof that my feelings were real, and hopefully, just hopefully, I won’t feel them again. Ameen. But if I do, may God help me to get through this. Ameen.

During my darkest and weakest moments, I always thought that people didn’t understand me very well.  It was like the whole universe was against me. I made myself busy just to escape from everyone. I spent a lot of time and money for myself but it still wasn’t enough. I felt okay a little bit afterward but only for a while. I went out with my friends but it was like my mind was somewhere else. I spoke less. The way I reacted with things or the way I responded, it was, everything was like so wrong and I couldn’t accept them. Everything was not right and unacceptable. I was always moody and mad, even angry to almost everything. I felt like I was surrounded by excessive, unnecessary voices all the time, everyone was so loud until I felt like I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs and tell everyone to just shut the heaven up. 

My patience was thinning, day by day, everything and everyone annoyed me so much. I wanted to be swallowed by the earth so badly. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to leave everything behind. I couldn’t be consoled. I pushed everyone away. 

Everything was untolerable. 

I don’t know how to express my feelings. I. just. wanted. to. be. gone. That’s all. 

The scenario was like this. You know you’re in trouble, you know something is wrong with you, but you just don’t have any clue how to escape from it. You don’t see any lights that can guide you. It’s like you’re trapped in your own body and mind. You’re no longer handling the controller, you’re consciously controlled instead. You’re not yourself because you’ve lost control of your own self. You know you hurt other people with your behavior but you cannot do anything about it. You just…can only look at what you’ve done. You’re not you anymore. 

It was bad. It was terrible. It was unprecedented for me. 

Long story short, after dah muhasabah, introspect diri haritu, here’s the ibrah that I get..

….

When we’re surrounded by troubles or problems, we will be preoccupied with negativity. Cara kau berfikir, cara kau bercakap, cara kau memproses apa yang orang cakap, akan jadi negatif. And when we are engrossed with the negative things, there’s no way we can think about what we should be grateful for, about how far you’ve achieved, or how good people are. Or even how good you are. 

We can’t drown in negative thoughts and be grateful at the same time because those two things cannot co-exist. 

And people are just trying to help us but our ego kinda stop us from thinking straight and be rationale. 

The only time we can be grateful is when we recognize something nice is happening to us. That’s ok. That’s normal. Because we are only humans. But what makes us different is, we realize that this world is temporary, tests and tribulations are always there and we cannot expect to be happy all the time. 

That’s unrealistic. 

And…quite hard to achieve to that kind of mindset when all you can see is red. 

Even if we feel tired and we are fed up with so many things and we want to avoid them because we want to run from the problems, that’s not a solution at all. In fact, we will get more tired and in the end, we will feel depressed and useless, hopeless and all those negative moods will arise. Technically, we just host a party for them. How wonderful. 

….

Yes, seeking professional help is helpful but we can’t expect other people to assist us if we can’t guide ourselves first, right? 

So one day, I don’t remember exactly how does it happen but it was a very sad and exhausting day for me. It was like the saddest day of my saddest days (LMAO). After I performed my zuhr prayer, I didn’t know what to ask to Allah anymore. I just cried and cried until I felt tired. I didn’t tell Him anything. I just cried you know. And then I got up and continued my day. After Maghrib prayer, I took my al-Quran and recited it. I tried to do some tadabbur and then I was in tears again. In fact, I couldn’t really comprehend the reasons of myself crying. It was too much and overwhelming. Mixed feelings. Guilty, angry, disappointed. 

I also realize that sepanjang aku murung and sedih dengan diri sendiri, I still performed my prayer and baca alquran semua but why on the particular day, baru aku betul-betul rasa yang solat and bacaan quran aku tu macam terkesan dekat dalam hati. There must be a hidden hikmah behind that situation. And then I found the hikmah. 

Change does not happen overnight. Not by His will. 

Aku terfikir lah maybe waktu aku solat or baca quran, aku bukan betul-betul nak ketenangan hati. Aku maybe just “Oh dah masuk waktu, okay solat je”. Tak betul-betul merasai kenapa kena solat sebenarnya. Sampai lah one day, macam dah hopeless sangat, baru betul-betul rasa. 

Cliche, I know. Tapi kita always lupa. 

I was taking my solat for granted. I was taking my Iman and Islam for granted. I realized I’ve been distant with the path of light for so long. Maybe secara zahirnya, I’m a Muslim but my inner self, not really. 

After so many of endless crying (I cried myself to sleep every night), because I always thought what if aku mati dalam keadaan macam ni. Yes, I wanted to be gone, but deep in my heart, I don’t want to leave this dunya unprepared. I wasn’t in a good state and I knew that. I totally realized how bad I was at that time.

And slowly, I started to feel like, I can control myself again with a bit of struggle of course.

Up until now, sometimes the controller will be slipped from my hand but my conscious inner self quickly reminds me to grab it. I also always hold on to this one doa, asking from Allah to always protect me from myself. I believe, my ownself is the most dangerous thing i’ve ever encountered. Really. 

That doa is always in my prayer. I ask for it in every single prayer. I don’t want to lose myself anymore. 

I just hope that I won’t make the same mistakes, I hope to be more sabr when dealing with people and myself (feelings, emotions, etc). I want to remain attached to my Creator during my happiness and sadness. I want to love more and to be loved. 

Selfishness is out, selflessness is in. Not too much, not too little. I gotta put a line in between you know. 

Be different. Be bold, but not in a bad, weird, annoying way. Just, be normal. Behave like how we’re supposed to behave. Where we are in a difficult situation, think about how our Prophet SAW will react to his problems. He prayed to Allah. He sincerely prayed to Him. And that is what I have to do. Be sincere to Allah. 

Overall, I just want to be better. I want to do better. I pray the same for you guys too. 

Lisaxoxo

There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.

Memories are a part of us. We’re incomplete without them. They are what we’ve been through. Memories make us, us.

Like,

When people you know become people you knew. And you remember the good times you had with them.

When you lost someone close to you forever. You remember them and realise you won’t see them again or hear their voice, again.

When you think about the things you left unsaid.

When you spoke rudely to a friend and it was the last time you spoke to them.

When you were abused or harassed and it left a permanent scar.

When you did something that wasn’t right and it affected someone in way you couldn’t imagine. One epic moment can give you a lifetime of memories. But we don’t appreciate the moment when it happens.

We’re busy people.

Memories give us a chance to relive the good moments, to reminisce.

Right now, I remember the first time I went on a one day trip with my you. The photograph of me amd you at our fav places, fifteen years ago stares right back at me from the wall.

I smile. I decide to take them as our never fade memories.

Lisaxoxo